Miserable Life!
by Simon wanna be
Summary: UPDATE: STUPID SIMON! Based on a true story. Life in ruins. Sucky summary awesome eye wetting story.
1. Chapter 1

I can't sleep to night for fear of reliving a nightmare; maybe it was all in my head? I slap myself silly trying to wake up. I realize I am not dreaming, I am not in a different world or reality, I am awake, alive.

GOD I HATE MY LIFE!

Was I put here to be stomping ground that everybody wipes their feet on? I must be, that is the only way I can explain why I am here. I am the person people find who is so nice that I get taken in and the next thing you know I am getting kicked around for no good reason. Just because I am nice and care a lot doesn't mean it is ok for people to use me and then trample me to death.

At night there is a constant flood of tears but by morning they are all dried up, and I wash away the proof that they ever existed. I try and put on my bravest face to hide it from everyone but me, I have gotten good at hiding how I feel and have felt. Living life with a false outside is tough since the pain inside is so real. It kills me a little more each day. I finally got to the point where I didn't care anymore, I ate my pain and sorrows away each day. Neglecting my health, not caring about anyone but me, locking myself in my room with my laptop not coming out unless I needed something. I wouldn't talk, I avoided eye contact. I was miserable and pathetic hopeless and empty.

But one day I began writing about a passion I had because I had a found this free story hosting site. So I decided to open up my creative side. At first it was ok, I wrote a lot of sad things and tragedies since that was the only thing I had ever known my entire life. Then this random writer came upon my stuff and commented on it and I took an interest in it and responded. After a while of talking we came to the conclusion that we would ask each other a bunch of random questions. I began to get interested this person who revealed her real name, it was the most beautiful name I had ever heard, Eleanor.

It was amazing I was falling for a girl I knew little about, I had never seen her picture. Heck I didn't even know if she was even a real person or a predator. But I didn't care. One day I expressed how I felt and I was getting a little bold which for me was almost impossible after all of the heart break I had in my life. She told me in the nicest way possible that she already had a beau. But that she liked me for my honesty. I never had a facebook account and I wasn't planning on getting one ever.

But I was so taken with this girl that I decided to get one and she was so awesome that she even gave me her full name so that I could see what she looked like. Her full name was Eleanor Alyssa Miller, she looked like a goddess to me, how could she think she looked plain or distasteful? Was she looking in a trick mirror? She must have been since she looked perfect in every way. Her dull blue eyes light up her radiant looking hair.

I discovered that she was living in Virginia and I lived in Texas, I have loved my state but it was then that I wished that I lived near her. She was the reason for me being here. After a couple of days and a few hundred messages later she had a melt down but I was out and about that day. It wasn't by choice but I had to go the dentists offices. When I got home I saw that there were messages out the wahzoo flooding my inbox. I read them and responded swiftly asking her to forgive me, I was so crazy I gave her my cell number and asked her to text me back which she did as soon as she got it.

After a week of texting frenzy I was feeling like a million bucks again, a feeling that hadn't graced my presence in so long I thought I was coming down with something. I thought I was going crazy because I hadn't felt so good in so many years. I told her all about me not letting a tiny detail slip, I was having a grand time.

I had learned so much about her, I had also learned that her parents didn't know about her writing about her obsession and about me either. I was cool with it, I enjoyed her company so much, she was what woke me up in the morning and kept me up at night. She was like a guiding STAR at night, so bright and extremely nice. We were inseparable, fireproof and unbreakable. OR so I thought.

It was the fourth of July it is supposed to be a day of great joy and celebration. For me it was the end of my life, I found out that Ellie's parents discovered me on facebook and they told her to delete me from there. She told me before she did so, and that we would have to grind to a halt on texting during the day, and that she would text me at night. I was floored, crushed my world caved in on me once again like the night of my prom when the girl I loved used me to run away from home.

I had gone with my family to our friends house to celebrate July fourth. But when I learned of the news I just slumped in my seat. I felt my heart, soul and mind ripped from me, I tried not to cry. I knew it was hurting her just as much as it was hurting me telling me all of this. I sobbed and texted her how I felt and asked her where we would go from here? She didn't know but she still wanted to be friends. I was not going to let them break up such an awesome friendship like this. I had promised her that I would always be there for her like a true friend.

This went on for over three hours as I stayed in the car not caring, no longer hungry or thirsty. I just wanted to shrivel up cease to exist, all the time thinking

What is a life if it has no meaning?

What is the point in loving if there is no hope?

Why should we press on if the only thing to be gained is pain?

Why do we fall so often and never get up?

What is the point in caring when there is nothing worth sharing?

Why do we fail? Is it because of something we said?

Is it something that we deserve?

Why do other people have to control and interfere with the lives of other?

Did I really deserve another lesson in the school of hard knocks?

Does life always have to be so cruel to me?

Why does it build me up till I'm on top of the world then

Flatten me with one foul swoop?

Was is it because I was having a good time?

Was is due to the fact that I actually started to love who I was?

Was it necessary to steal a joy I had almost forgotten so long ago?

The sorrow in my heart is like a flood,

It wiped out my passion,

Stripped my senses of all that was good,

Desolated myself esteem which was never there

To begin with.

CURSE my cruel fate!

How could I deserve this?

I am compassionate,

Kind and caring,

Loving to a fault,

Selfless to the point I

Would give my life to save another,

I am he who walks on

A bed of nails, never

Flinching, never stopping

Pain in my eyes as I travel this

Pain filled road in a state of

Disrepair, broken once more.

Not by true loves bitter poisonous kiss

But by the hand of another.

Like Romeo and Juliet's love was

Unbreakable so was that bond between me

And mine own best friend forever.

But like Romeo and Juliet a feud/misconceived

Idea tore them apart causing a tragic happening

Though I did not die physically I died emotionally

I felt a knife slit me from nose to naval and pluck

Out my still beating heart and stab it before mine

Own eyes as I felt a coldness rack my body and

My breaths became shallow.

I am dying, I am dead. Killed by the hand who

Has no clue what treacheries they have committed

For it is murder. Murder of the heart of friends who

Cared so deeply that they would give up most anything

To be there for the other.

MURDERERS, MURDERERS!

- good - bye - cruel - (cough!) -WORLD!

I was dead emotionally, but I was still going to be there for her. I mean after all she was an awesome person. I fell back into my old habits, I suppressed my feelings and acted happy once more pushing the pain down and locking it in small box only to be opened when no one was around. I will always and forever dwell on the events of that day as I went from one tragedy over a year ago to another one.

This is why I never opened and get extremely close to people because bad things happen to good people like me. Now I am still talking to this girl but only time heals all wounds no matter how deep they are.


	2. Ch 2 Stupid Drunk

Ch. 2 Stupid drunk

As seen through Theodore's eyes/POV

What the hell is wrong is wrong with my father? Doesn't he know he's not supposed to drink and drive? AHHHHHH I HATE HIM! HE DRIVES ME CRAZY!

Ok let me explain diary why the heck I am so mad right now. It will go all the way back to 2006 to explain what happened and what is causing me to hate him with all of my heart right here and now.

October 12, 2006 my father was driving to work way off in a very rural side of town where the waste water treatment plant was. The road was very dark and had lots of blind curves, so when he hit and killed a man with his truck there was nothing that he could do. He told me that the man was walking in the middle of his lane in the same direction as he was driving. The man must have wanted to be killed for two reasons one he had chosen the sharpest and darkest curve on that stretch of road and he had taken off his shoes and placed them on the side of the road a couple hundred feet away from where he was killed.

It was deemed that my father did everything possible to avoid hitting and killing the man. As a matter of fact if he had seen the man a second and a half sooner then he would have missed him altogether. As it was he hit him with the last 6 inches of the front of his truck while jamming on his brakes and swerving into the other lane. BUT DAMN HIS LUCK!

He said he was fine and even boasted and bragged about how he could handle it unlike most people. But it became apparent to me and the rest of my family that he wasn't handling it as well as he said and claimed he was. He would isolate himself whenever we wanted to hang out as a family, he then started saying the exact time that had passed since he killed him. Example: 6 months, 12 days, and 12 hours 32 minutes since I killed that man. He got worse and worse. Then sometimes at night he would get home and spend hours outside in the car port which is filled with stuff from when my mom lost her parents in 2004. Anyways when he would finally decide to grace us with his presence he was off, his speech was slow, he couldn't think on his feet and would get a joke really late. He moved slower than a snail. We had our suspicions about what was causing it but he was still clever enough to hid his tail tell signs. He would always take nitequil which has 20% alcohol and would make his breath smell like it masking and preventing us from proving that he was getting counsel from the bottom of a bottle.

In other words he was getting DRUNK almost every night of the week. Finally I guess he had killed enough brain cells thus causing him to be extremely stupid and we finally caught him and were able to prove once and for all he was up to no good and that he was getting drunk. Well we kept a closer eye on him but it didn't do any good. He would always find a good place to hide it.

It eventually got him fired from SAWS because of a stupid ass move he made while being intoxicated. I am not going to even drag that terrible memory up as it only causes me more pain and grief. How could he be such and asshole to drive his company truck, get it stuck, then injure someone as he tried to get it unstuck which he did all while being… yeah you guessed it DRUNK! ASS FREAKING HOLE!

So he didn't get caught but he did get fired for denying the fact that he had gotten his truck stuck and injured a person. He did finally come clean admitting that he did do it, conveniently forgetting to tell them that he was drunk when he did it. This was the ending of a great job in June.

So he got a job working for a construction company doing something similar to what he was doing at his old job but it required a lot of manual labor. During this time I cannot remember as to what it was he did or if he did get drunk as I was indulged in a job during the summer and engulfed in my studies during the fall of 2008. It was hard on him but he never ever once opened up to anyone, not to me, my brother, mother, his friends and he refused to see a counselor about his issues.

Well in January of 2009 he got an awesome job working for cps energy making 22 bucks an hour, he didn't know all of the stuff that he was supposed to and he was given 6 months to learn what it was he was supposed to do and pass a test after his 6 months of training. Well he must have killed a bunch of brain cells from his constant and continuous drinking as he didn't decide to study for his test until the day before. Needless to say he lost his job which made him drink more, he was no longer drinking and getting smashed to where he was just barely drunk. Now he was getting so far gone that he couldn't even stand up without almost falling down.

It was getting worse and worse. We were trying to fight fire with fire, we would conduct daily raids on the garage trying to find his stash and every time we did he would go and blow more money on booze and hide it somewhere else. It was ridiculous, childish and just flat out stupid. I would go out to the carport from time to time and see if I could bust him and see where he stashed it. It never worked. The rest of us just gave up trying to stop him; it was like trying to tell the ocean to stop the tides. It was impossible we would try and confront him but he would deny it ever happened even when he was sober. And since he wouldn't remember what he would put us through on a nightly basis to him it never happened. Well about two weeks before July 10 my mom told him if he had any alcohol she was going to boot his ass out of the house. She was sick and tired of his bull crap of saying he was going to change but never did nor had the desire to change.

Well it was going great till he got a little bit of bad news from work, he was shifted from a cushy light job to having to work out in the fields installing cable. Well I took bets with my brothers that he was going to get smashed that night and that things would reach an impass and something would go down.

I was in the living room watching tv when I see my mom having to help my father come into the house; I was right on the money, he was so drunk he would have lit up the breathalyzer like a Christmas tree on Christmas eve. What I didn't know was what had actually happened.

I was asked by my mom to help her take some things out to the trash, I could tell it was a ploy to get me outside so she could talk to me. So I played along.

Once outside the truth was revealed which caused my eyes to burn with extreme hatred and anger. I killed my father in my heart a thousand times as I let the damning words sink in. What was is that caused me to hate him like I never have before. It was because of his careless and reckless actions that could have cost somebody their life.

He was DRIVING DRUNK! I replayed what my mom had told me. She had been waiting outside for him to get home so that she could head him off at the pass and make certain that he wouldn't drink that night. She saw his truck and the lights were turned off a couple of houses away. He slammed into a garage of a house that had burned down in 2004 across the yard from ours. Then out he stumbled drunk as a gosh durn skunk!

This is no longer in Theodore's perspective but rather the author who has and is going through this as of tight now. Now it has to come to a head. Today is Sunday and I am sure on Monday my mom will find the courage and words to kick his ass to the curb. I will support her by being there and the man of the house. I am only 19 and yet the wait of the world is on my shoulders, GOD HELP ME! I will not have to support the family that my father will have to do but I will fill the fatherly roll in his absence, one I am accustom to already as I am oldest. People ask me why I am against partying, and drinking? I tell them I have experienced the ill affects of it. I have never told anyone this deep dark secret. Now I am telling all of those who like to party, those who think its cool to get drunk take this as a wake up call. GET HELP, STOP THE MADNESS BEFORE YOU RUIN LIVES. My family might implode and explode because of this and because he thought he was man enough that he didn't need help. Let me tell you this: It takes a stronger man to suck down his pride and ask for help than a man who holds it all in. That goes for girls as well. But since I am a male writer I am pleading and begging you guys to end this stupidity. Don't make the people you love have to hurt the way I hurt, ruin the lives and fond memories with nothing but hate and sorrow. That is why I am a tragedy writer, a downer and at times in a deep state of recession also known as depression. This is my sad tail, please help me and stop the chain of heart break for others like me.

THAT IS WHY I HATE MY FATHER! HE WAS TO PROUD TO SEE THE DAMAGE HE WAS INFLICTING ON HIS FAMILY!


	3. STUPID SIMON

Dear Jeanette I didn't mean to hurt to you! I was trying to act tough, I was trying to be brave and not break down. Well I failed! I failed in every way possible, I tried to keep from getting you hurt and my words cut a wound so deep they may never heal.

GOD I AM A MORON! PLEASE KILL ME NOW FOR HURTING MY JEANETTE THE ONLY PERSON WHO CARES ABOUT ME!

I don't deserve you as a friend or companion because I am not worthy of such an awesome honor. As I have proved when trying to over come this issue that I am facing I have failed, I am failure for life. A loser in my own sight not worthy of you, I never have been and never will be. I knew we could only be close friends as you have your heart for another but now I have turned you (my ally) into a bitter enemy all because I was hurt by my family and fathers drinking.

WHAT A FREAKING FOOL I AM! I DON'T DESERVE YOU AS A FRIEND!

I am fretting and regretting every word I said to you. I'm an IDIOT, FOOL, MORON, STUPID and worst of all a LYING SOB. We agreed to care about each other and the things we were going through. I basically told you to leave me alone and stop caring about me until I fix my issues rather than letting you in and help me. I don't even want to tell you how miserable I am at this moment for alienating you, hurting you, crushing you and making you regret the day we first spoke/met.

I AM SOOOOOO SOOOORRRRYYYY! I KNOW I CAN NEVER MAKE IT UP TO YOU! BUT KNOW THAT I WOULD DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS TO TAKE BACK THE HURTFUL THINGS I SAID!

I cannot believe how drastically the events of Saturday and Sunday have ruined me, making me turn and burn my best friend. I am never ever ever ever ever ever going to forgive myself for this catastrophe of wrecking your day and our friendship. I will cease to bother you, cut off all communication and leave you alone. I don't want to but you told me you need space and time. I can only assume that that means I ruined our friendship and you are longer a shinning STAR in my night sky but rather a deep dark black hole. One that I created, and must live with the guilt, shame pain as it sucks up all of light in my night sky. Consumed in darkness never to see light any more or once again.

GOD WHY AM I SO DUMB? WHY DID YOU GIVE ME SUCH A HARSH AND POOR WORDING ABILITY? 

GOD I HATE MYSELF THAN YOU HATE SIN!

Jeanette Alyssa Miller I hope that maybe one day we can be friends again and that you can be a star in my black sky. It will never be the same, as bright as it once was but even a faint light is still better than no light at all. My heart cries out as my head sinks into my hands and I begin to cry once again uncontrollably. I am a broken man filled with not but grief let once again to do damage control trying to pick up the pieces from my latest blunder and fiasco. I am glad that we will never date and possible marry as I tend to be more of a loner and do it myself kind of person. I think I will never be able to meet the right girl for me as I am not the right guy for them.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME! NOW I AM GOING TO LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM NOT LEAVING UNLESS I HAVE TO.


End file.
